I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
my shit smells like andre
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
