And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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