everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
