About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
