If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
