no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
