Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
well you can't waste a boner
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
