anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
