I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
