All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
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After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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