there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
