I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
