A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
