I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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