Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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