I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
