You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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