Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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