I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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