The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
