I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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