He kissed a someone with a penis
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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