I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
