Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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