So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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