i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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