Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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