her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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