and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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