apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
