Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
