It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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