If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
