drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
