fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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