I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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