the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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