just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
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Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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