Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
