i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
