A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
