I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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