My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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