i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
is that a dick in a sweater?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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