You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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