why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
