I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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