why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
