Just took my morning after pill in the library
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
