Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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