I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
