I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
