i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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